... & OTHER ODDBALL STORIES |
Dave offered us an assortment of drugs, but we really only wanted a couple of joints to mellow out. He took us to Times Square and our first live sex show. We smoked a joint before we went in, and by the time we were settled in our chairs, we were pleasantly high. The room was small, dimly lit, and painted floor to ceiling in black paint. All around us were wierd looking guys, some with newspapers across their laps. Brent and I were snickering under our breath at all the perverts, which seemed to us all that more hilarious because we were stoned.
The stage was about ten foot square, a foot high, and had two little TVs on either side where there were porn movies showing. Suddenly a voice from somewhere announced, "AND NOW, PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME FOR........" This was the cue for a scruffy looking chick who looked like a heroin addict to enter onto the stage and start to do a strip, followed by a guy who was already naked. He looked like Link from the Mod Squad. They proceeded to have sex in a variety of positions, the last of which had the girl upside down standing up. Right in the middle of this upright 69er, the lights and TVs came back on, and the mysterious voice announced, "SHOW'S OVER!" whereupon the naked couple picked their clothes up off the floor and everyone headed off to the next room, which had another couple involved in a sex act, only they were much better looking .
Dave told us there was a Capitol act in town playing with Frankie Goes To Hollywood and asked would we like to go to the after show party at The Area Club. Never ones to pass down an invitation to a party, we readily agreed. Dave put us in a cab and off we went. The club turned out to be in a seedy section of town, and except for a 1' x 2' sign in a little window by the front steps, you wouldn't even know that there was a club there at all. At the front door stood a couple of surly looking bouncers. There was a crowd of people standing outside trying to get in. I won't say line-up of people because the bouncers randomly picked people to come in. The wierder looking you were, the more chance you had of getting through the door. We had "special" passes however, so we were in like Flint. The Area Club was another version of Club 54. Inside were cubicles filled with local artists' art. Andy Warhol's was a pedestal with nothing on it, only a couple of small spotlights. In another, called Birth of Venus, was a topless Jewish girl doing her nails with about 4,000 different kinds of cosmetics surrounding her. Above floated cherubs and flowers. There was also a bathroom where some guy was completely covering everything in it with 5" spikes (the toilet, medicine cabinet, etc.). Smack dab in the middle of the room were two plastic see-through men. The one plastic man was bent over and the other plastic man (motorized, I might add) was boning him up the butt with a huge plastic penis which lighted up upon insertion.
Paul and I had smoked another joint before we came in and when we saw this I thought we were going to have a heart attack, we were laughing so hard. Inside the club there was another room where the private party was, and we also had a ticket to get in there. Upon entering this room the first thing I noticed was Joe Jackson sitting by himself by the bar sipping on a drink. The back wall of the room was a huge fish tank filled with live sharks. To our left was a throne with a gay mime sitting naked and perfectly still. At his feet were three more gay guys who were lovingly adorning him. We met a girl who was a writer for a rock magazine (I can't remember which one for the life of me) and Paul and I struck up a conversation with her. About ten minutes into the conversation Boy George shows up at the party followed by an entourage of about twenty gay guys. They all had cameras and were taking pictures of just about everything as they followed The Boy in his winding prance (no kidding) through the club. The girl who had been speaking to us gushed, "OH MY GOD! I'M THE BIGGEST CULTURE CLUB FAN IN THE WORLD! WHY DON'T YOU GET BESIDE HIM AND I'LL TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU!" to which I politely declined. By this time The Boy was standing right beside us with his back turned to us. I couldn't get over how big and fat he was. The girl tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but I just wanted to say hello. I'm a huge fan of yours" to which The Boy retorted, "Oh, I don't have to F#!%K YOU TOO, DO I?" The poor girl's mouth dropped open with an astonished look on her face and Paul and I nearly spit out our drinks we were laughing so hard. Why does it always seem like the biggest pricks are sometimes the biggest stars?
Brent & Fritz Go Shopping
Brian Vollmer, Jody Miller (Metal Edge Magazine) and Paul Hackman
Brian Vollmer, Dave Schneider of Metalshop (and brother of Dee) and Paul Hackman
